


Sometimes You Question Yourself

by Resmiranda



Series: Sometimes [3]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Boys Kissing, Covers chapters 15/16, Drunken Confessions, I'm going to stop, Just read it if you like, Levi's all over the place, M/M, Now I'm just making up tags, Personal resolve, Sometimes Things Turn Out For The Best aside, Uhh... what do I tag?, levi pov, sorta?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-28
Updated: 2014-07-28
Packaged: 2018-02-10 20:37:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2039289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Resmiranda/pseuds/Resmiranda
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“It’s okay to question yourself, Levi.” Erwin’s timbre was calming. “We all feel younger than we are sometimes. It’s normal. Just don’t let those times hold you hostage.” He let a beat pass. “You know why he’s different.” He wasn’t asking.</p><p>I sighed. I closed my eyes wearily.</p><p>“I do."</p><p>A <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/1056777"> Sometimes Things Turn Out For The Best</a> aside of Chapters <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/1056777/chapters/3755681"> 15</a> & <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/1056777/chapters/4124346"> 16</a><a></a> from Levi's POV.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sometimes You Question Yourself

**Author's Note:**

> Surprise aside! (Sorta- I told a few people it was coming).
> 
> I felt the overwhelming need to share Levi's POV on the last two chapters, so here ya go. This aside does not have to be read to keep reading [ Sometimes Things Turn Out For The Best](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1056777), but it will enhance the story for you. You are welcome to try reading it without reading STTOFTB, but please don't complain that it doesn't make sense if you do.
> 
> Also, I apologize for the delay on Chapter 17! Hopefully some of you not subscribed to the series will find this and it will tide you over till then. If you haven't subscribed to the series yet, I suggest you do so now because I may get to urge to write other asides in the future.
> 
> AND MAJOR THANK YOU to [ Breezy ](http://breezerkawaii.tumblr.com) for betaing this for me!! Also, while I'm at it, I also want to give a shoutout to [ Mysecretfanmoments ](http://mysecretfanmoments.tumblr.com) and [ Kaworu ](http://kaw0ru.tumblr.com) (especially) for both being unofficial betas for STTOFTB. And thank you to everyone else who catches the occasional typo as well! You've all saved me from a lot of future embarrassment.
> 
> Also, Remmy~ you're first on my list the next time I have 13k words I need an extra pair of eyes on. <3
> 
> Comments are always welcome! If you spot any errors we missed, please let me know!
> 
> ...Enjoy?

I was not smiling as I drove my car to Eren and Armin’s, but I was undeniably happy. I was still feeling good from Christmas, for once, and the few days following had been peaceful, even though I was still plowing through a mountain of paperwork. True vacations were something of a myth for me.

I flicked my blinker on and turned left, glancing down at my speedometer to make sure I was precisely at the speed limit.

I thought over the change the subject matter of my texts with Eren had seen in the last few days. The brat had always been fun to tease, and not too bad at dishing what I gave him back out, but never before had there been such an undercurrent of sexual tension. At least not one that was mutually felt. Was this one mutually felt? It had better fucking be, otherwise I had been making a total ass of myself. And not the kind I prided myself on being.

The truth was that I already felt pretty fucking stupid. I was shit at dirty talk, but I tried anyway and Eren seemed to respond well enough. The brat’s favorable response to the image of me teaching him a lesson in my office was ripe material to get me off several times in the past few days. Even though I’d never do it. As much as the idea appealed to me, I valued my workspace too much. Maybe I’d buy a desk for the spare bedroom I never used.

I hummed to myself, mind drifting a little more than it should have as I contemplated all the ways in which that idea was good.

New Year’s Resolution #1: Buy a sturdy desk.

I pulled into Eren’s apartment complex, instant irateness flaring in me at the sight of my usual spot taken. I drove down a little further and ended up in a space equidistant from his door, just on the other side of it. I was still kind of pissed.

I made the short journey to the threshold of the apartment I knew so well and pressed the doorbell.

And waited.

And kept waiting.

_What the fuck is he doing? Wait; why the fuck am I not just using my key?_

Just as I was about to dig my key out, I heard the bolt get thrown back and the door opened. My lips were poised to ask if he had been taking a shit when my mind absorbed his appearance. Snug fitting washed-out jeans. Loose fitting too-long gray sweater. He looked like a teenager and I felt like even more of an old pervert than usual, but _fuck me_ if he wasn’t adorable in that getup.

So instead of ‘were you taking a shit?’ what came out was, “Why are you such a cute fuck?”

I could have slapped myself for saying such a stupid thing. But I kept myself composed and instead treated myself to another slow sweep of his body, appreciating the way the jeans hugged his thighs and wishing that shitty cute sweater was just a _little_ shorter so I could appreciate the curvature of his ass.

“Hm?” The shit looked shocked. I couldn’t really blame him. I’d never said something like that to him before. I rephrased my statement, adding in a comment about my desire to see that ass of his. His cheeks flushed cherry.

“Actually, I think I have something like that. Do you want me to change?” he asked hesitantly.

“Fuck, yes,” was out of my mouth before I could even fully process what he was offering. It was a good thing Eren was averting his eyes from me, otherwise he would have seen my surprise at my own words. The embers of desire had begun to stir in me, and my heart picked up its pace as I followed him upstairs, goading on his blush with a little innuendo.

_What the fuck am I doing?_

My heart beat harder. This was totally unlike me. But I couldn’t stop myself. I provoked him further. His cheeks remained rosy but threw taunts of his own right back, just like he always had.

And then we got to his room. I was too appalled to focus on anything other than the apparent civil war the items in his room had waged. There was a high casualty rate. I cringed. Who knew when the last time he had cleaned this was.

“Your room is a fucking mess, brat,” I commented. And that was putting it mildly, in my opinion.

Eren’s eyes grew as wide as saucers before taking on a frenzied appearance. He looked ready to bolt into cleaning mode. Normally I wouldn’t have minded that, but we had someplace to be, and letting this mess sit for another day wasn’t going to make it that much worse. I grabbed him before he could so much as take two steps and directed him to his closet. He didn’t protest, only making a face, and quickly exchanged his gray sweater for a blue one. It was _exactly_ what I had been imagining.

The embers began to smolder.

“Not bad.”

I took a slow inhalation after those words slipped out on a breath. I watched as Eren’s Adam’s apple bobbed. His eyes darkened. He swallowed again.

My mouth went dry.

“What, brat?” my voice came out sounding a little hoarse.

Apparently that had been the wrong choice of words, because now the brat was stalking towards me, reminding me of a cat tracking its prey.

I was the prey.

That scared the shit out of me.

Everything about Eren right now screamed ‘danger’ at me, except the fact that it was _Eren._ That screamed ‘excitement.’ I was confused by the feelings.

I was frozen.

Eren’s hand found my right arm. He searched out my eyes. The smoldering in my gut burst into flame and it took every ounce of self-discipline I’d developed over the years to not let my breath hitch. And then his fingers were caressing in between my legs.

My breathing _did_ hitch.

_Holy shit._

I asked him what he was doing. I expected him to blush and withdraw. That would be for the best. I was _sure_ there were a number of reasons as to why this should not be happening; I could not remember what they were at the moment. But I _knew_ they were there. If only I could get Eren to stop massaging my… _oh._ My fingers flexed. The little shit had gotten _cocky._

“Smart- _ng_ -ass.” This was bad. This wasn’t like a couple of days ago when his hand hadn’t made it past my thigh. This was dizzyingly disorienting, and I didn’t want it to stop. I wanted the press, the next squeeze, the next knead.

It felt so good. Shit, it felt good. But then it hit me.

The biggest reason why we shouldn’t be doing this:

I felt Eren’s fingers dip into my waistband. My hand moved on its own.

“Stop.”

No matter how electric and wonderful his palm felt as he massaged me, no matter how heavenly I knew it would be to _finally_ have _his_ fingers wrapped around my length instead of my own, I couldn’t stop the thoughts. They were forgotten for a moment, but now they were back, running through my head in a constant stream. I couldn’t shut them off even when I wanted to. How I wanted to right now. I really wanted to let him do as he pleased and shove his hand down my pants, but I could not let him do it. I couldn’t. I told him to stop, half afraid he wouldn’t listen because he was Eren and he never listened.

But this time he did.

I couldn’t even begin to put into words what that meant to me. I had seen him at other times when Armin told him to stop something and he merrily ignored him, usually resulting in damage to something—frequently himself. He stopped, though, and I could not hold back the sigh of relief that came pushing past my lips. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust Eren. I did. More and more each day.

This was something different. I really did believe that Eren was clean. Eren did everything with purity and tenacity, even when the act itself wasn’t something people considered “pure.” Eren was genuine. He was not like the people I had sold guns to in the shadows. He was good, clean, and principled. I knew his hands weren’t tainted in the way I had come to loathe, but when he went to touch me in such an intimate way, I could not stop the voice whispering _what if… what if… what if…_ in my head and I knew we had to talk. If we were going to work out, he needed to know what he was getting into. He needed to know how deep my issues ran. He deserved that honesty. It frightened me, thinking I might lose him over this. It wouldn’t be the first time. It was the reason my last boyfriend and I broke up. He tried to put up with it for a while, but eventually he just got fed up with my compulsions, and I couldn’t say I really blamed him for it.

Sometimes I wished I could walk out on me, too.

I looked up into Eren’s eyes and witnessed the concern wavering in his vibrant blue-green irises. The hurt. I sighed. I explained that he hadn’t done anything wrong. It did nothing to ease the look in his eyes. My stomach was churning with anxiety now.

_Will this be too much? Will he leave?_

I felt absolutely sick, though I did my best not to show it. I explained.

“Is that all?” he asked when I was finished. What the fuck was that supposed to mean? I had no idea if it was a good or a bad sign, but no, it wasn’t all. And good or bad, I would be honest.

I told him everything, and held the air in my lungs until it was stale.

When he finally spoke, I felt like one of those stupid cartoons who got crushed by an anvil falling from the sky.

_Did I hear him right?_

I asked.

“If I wash my hands, can I continue?” He sounded so innocent when he asked, and that sinking feeling rapidly changed to fury. He was fucking serious.

“Did you hear _anything_ past what would get you in my pants right now?” I let only the tip of my anger out.

Eren started to try to convince me of his sincerity. My ire died as I realized he must have not understood what I told him, but the brat shut me down immediately.

“No. Levi, listen.” His eyes were intent, almost feverish. “I heard you.” He spoke words of reassurance, of a maturity that I was too quick to assume he didn’t possess because he was so much younger. That was an assumption I needed to check myself on. Eren was more mature than I usually gave him credit for, and I knew that. “I like you for who you are and getting to touch you is just a bonus. Though I won’t lie, it’s a bonus I really, _really_ want.” An edge of desperation cut through his voice, and I felt my own longing respond. “I’ve literally been dreaming of touching you, but it wouldn’t be any fun if you don’t enjoy it.”

_I feel the same._

“So if you want to hold back for a while longer, it’s fine. It’s not like we’ve been together that long, anyway.”

_Who the fuck cares?_

“I was just trying to make you comfortable so maybe we both could have a little enjoyment, but I won’t force you.”

 _Force me?_ I snorted at that, and relief flooded through me. I had told him everything. He knew it all. And _he was okay with it._

I now had a decision to make. He had laid the invitation on the table, and the ball was in my court. On the one hand, I had just given him a lot of information. It might be wise to give him a little more time to digest it. On the other hand, I was fucking horny and I had not been touched in well over a year. I _craved_ what Eren was offering. A compromise, then. We could take it slow. A hand job was hardly anything to regret, if things ended up changing. Shit, I wanted it.

“So what were you saying about washing your hands?” I prompted.

Eren’s cheeks burned brighter than before and he lost the ability to speak properly. I could hardly blame him for being confused. I understood that without my thoughts, my words and actions were not connecting. I didn’t give much of a fuck, though. I really just wanted him to get back on board with feeling each other up.

“Do you need to watch me wash?” As sad as it might be, I thought those words might be the most romantic thing ever said to me. My heart clenched, and I found my throat too tight to speak for a moment. When I finally found my voice, it did not sound right in my ears.

“No. I will trust you.” Eren’s smile was so breathtaking that I felt a little dazed. I wandered over to his bed to rest for a minute, gingerly picking my place on a mostly undisturbed bit of comforter on the end. This turn of events was unexpected, but entirely welcome. For the first time since I had asked him out, I felt like we might actually have a chance. He did not seem put off by my oddities at all. Everyone, even Petra, had looked at me strangely when I explained my preferences before. Eren, though… he had contemplated and then accepted, no judgment shown in that expressive face. That was a first for me.

It was also a first for me to see a partner of mine walking into a room like he was about to perform fucking surgery. I did not even try to stop the laughter that burst from my lungs.

“You look ridiculous,” I sniggered.

“Hey, I’m trying to be thoughtful here!” he cried.

I allowed myself a small smile. Maybe this dork would work out.

At least if he would fucking touch me.

I had some obsessive-compulsive tendencies. I wasn’t made of glass. The damn kid looked so worried. I tried speaking to him softly. Soothing him. His fingertips danced over my skin and it was hard not to shiver.

“It’s not that,” he tried to explain. “I’m just… worried that I’m pushing for too much too soon. I… I haven’t done anything like this in a while, and I’ve really been wanting to do it with you ,but it’s only been a couple of weeks and—”

 _Was he seriously bringing that up after I_ just _told him I wanted it? Wanted him?_ Fuck this shit.

“Shut up, brat.” He clamped his mouth closed. I took a deep breath. I was nothing if not brutally honest, but that did not mean I was enthusiastic about sharing everything. “However long it’s been for you, I guarantee it’s been longer for me. I’m horny as hell here and all your rambling has me going soft.” I was not just saying that to make a show. My dick was actually going limp, and I was getting a little pissed “I don’t fucking care that it’s been a couple of weeks. We may not know each other’s favorite songs and shit yet, but it’s not like we’re some strangers who just met yesterday either.  I’ve been waiting for-fucking-ever to do shit like this with you. And you just washed your fucking hands so don’t pretend now like you don’t want it too. Make up your damn mind,” I gripped his wrists tighter, silently daring him to rip them from my grasp. It would be fucking cruel to tease me, wash his hands, and then walk away. I would not force him to stay if he really wanted to leave, but damn it, I wanted this shitty brat to want me. I didn’t want him to back off now of all times.

I should have known he would not disappoint me.

By the time Eren and I were done cleaning up, I was beginning to breakout of the haze of satiation. Feelings were hitting me again, and with that came a certain amount of repulsion. The amount of self-control I was exerting over myself was deplorable. Not that I regretted what had just happened. Fuck no. I needed that even more than I had realized. Petra and I had hardly exchanged kisses the last couple of months we were together, and everything that transpired before had never been as intense as what I had just had with Eren. At least as far as hand jobs went. I felt fucking euphoric. But that did not mean I wasn’t cringing that the way my mind had gone blank the second the brat started working his fingers, resulting in me shoving my tongue down his throat. That choice had completely bypassed my cerebral cortex. A pure instinct. And though it made me shudder now… I had to admit that it was not that bad. Not as disgusting as I remembered it being. What was more… I didn’t think I would mind doing it again. At least trying it.

_What is this kid doing to me?_

The drive over to Hanji’s was quiet, but pleasant. Eren’s warm fingers were threaded between mine the whole time. He didn’t have to do much to convince me to take his car once I saw it was clean. I didn’t particularly want mine in a bar parking lot with a bunch of drunk people, even if they were all friends or acquaintances. In the end, that didn’t mean a whole lot.

When we got to Rosa’s, I guided Eren to park in the small lot behind the building. The shit didn’t even know it existed, not that I was surprised. Most people didn’t since there was no sign declaring it to be for the bar and had towing signs everywhere. I would not park my shit there either, if I didn’t know better.

I guided Eren over to the back entrance, and didn’t even flinch when Hanji popped up out of nowhere. Which, for once, wasn’t the result of my practiced neutrality, but because I was expecting it. In hindsight, maybe I should have warned Eren about that since it seemed to scare the piss out of him. I was just so used to it that it didn’t occur to me. I still couldn’t figure out where that damn freak came from. I swore she hid in some fucking secret closet somewhere and waited. It would not surprise me at all if she did, knowing her.

“I told you, you creep the shit out of him,” I chastised Four-Eyes.

“Welcome, Eren!” She ignored me. _Typical._ “I’m so glad you were able to come with Levi. How are things going, by the way?” she glanced between the two of us, but then pressed on without letting either of us respond. The sensation of sinking passed through my gut as she spoke next. “You guys are half an hour late. You didn’t have a fight, did you?” She locked her full attention on Eren. “He’s refused to tell me a thing since he first let us know you two were dating. You look good.” Her gaze began darting between the two of us again. “Eyes are bright, color seems normal.” She leaned into my personal space to examine my face. “Levi, you almost have a glow about you. OOOOOH!” _Shit._ “Did you use my Christmas present?! Is that why you were late?!” Unease and irritation welled it me. It was one thing that she gave me the damn condoms in the first place, but it was another entirely that she was inquiring about their usage. The worst part was that she wasn’t that far off. I was shutting this down before she informed Eren of her gift.

“ _Shut your fucking mouth_ , damn Glasses.” I kept my voice low and stared directly into those fucking annoying brown eyes of hers, letting her know I meant business.

Her curious expression magnified tenfold and I knew I was fucked.

“Levi, are you blushing as a result of embarrassment or anger because your face is so stony it’s kind of hard to tell,” I was deepening my glower on every word, but my eyes alone were not working on her. I would have to pull out my trump card.

I gave her my sweetest smile.

The results were instantaneous.

“- _oh look at that I have to go_.” Hanji spoke so quickly her words were barely intelligible as she dashed towards the door separating the bar proper from the kitchen.

_Works every time._

“Be right back!” I allowed myself a small genuine smile before dropping it to whirl around to the brat, sensing his coming question, and shutting it down before he could do more than breathe.

“ _Do. Not. Ask._ ” His jaw slackened for a moment before he gave me a nod of affirmation. I dragged him out of the room and after Hanji before he could change his mind and press the issue.

It seemed I did not have to worry about him doing so, however, since his mind had apparently completely detoured.

“I’m kinkier than I thought,” he muttered.

I could have shit myself.

He was damn fucking lucky Hanji was out of earshot. I would have been seriously pissed at both of them. As it was, the way the brat’s cheeks lit up while he cursed his absentminded musing was pretty fucking cute. The kid really seemed to have no idea how attached to him I was. How deeply I felt and for how long. It was probably for the best. The last thing I needed was for him to freak out over how mismatched the extent of our feelings probably were. It was a relief when Hanji’s huddle broke up and stemmed any further conversation with the temptation of alcohol. After those depressing thoughts about feelings, I could use some. I walked away from Eren, who was lost in his head again, in favor of sitting down in front of the bar. After a minute of him zoning out, however, I grew impatient. This was my first time really taking him out as my partner publically, but he was not even within ten feet of me.

“Shitty brat,” I called, only vaguely amused at how quickly he responded.

“Yeah?”

“Are you going to stand there all night, or do you think you might get your ass over here to join me at some point?” Realization dawned on his stupidly attractive face, and he immediately moved to my side. Hanji instantly dove on the poor kid, but I only protested her behavior weakly. I knew from years of experience that there was no stopping her. I could only let her curiosity run its course and save my interventions for the truly outrageous questions. I felt the tiniest bit guilty for more or less offering Eren to Hanji, yet I would also be lying if I denied any curiosity in what sort of things I would learn around the captivating young shit I was dating.

Of course, then instead of asking interesting questions, she just started going on about that Astrology shit. She didn’t even believe in it, but claimed the knowledge itself had ‘untapped wells of potential,’ whatever the fuck that meant. Moblit’s arrival was very welcomed, and I sat back quietly after introducing him, pleased that Eren did not seem too uncomfortable. He surprised me when he invited Hanji to keep grilling him. If the brat’s sense of self-preservation was dubious before, it was clear he had no sense of it now. At least her questions were slightly less weird.

“What’s your favorite kind of music?”

“Favorite dessert.”

 _Why can I not ever think of questions like these when I’m with him?_ It made me feel pathetic. Hanji was doing a better job of getting to know the brat than I was. I let the corners of my mouth drag a little lower than was natural. They didn’t stay that way long, however.

“Favorite body part?”

It was so laughably Hanji that my downcast thoughts were derailed. Eren’s bewildered face was priceless. I would have rescued him, but in all honesty, I was curious as to what his answer to that one would be. Moblit took pity on him, however. All he needed was two sentences and she conceded. That man had to have magic jizz or some shit because getting Hanji to agree that easily was a fucking miracle.

“Okay, okay. How about favorite book?” she tried. I did not turn to look at Eren, not wanting to look as interested as I was in the answer. My ears were primed, though, and it was a good thing because I never would have heard him without my full focus.

The soft-spoken, “Levi’s,” made my heart freeze, melt, and burn all at once.

“What?” slipped past my lips without my permission and my breathing turned shallow. My eyes searched out Eren’s vibrant irises, teal tonight, as though they had a life of their own.

Suddenly I found myself reminded of earlier. The way his eyes stirred me up inside as he slinked towards me. The way they were filled with adoring longing in the aftermath. _My book_. I wanted to hear what he had to say about it, but there were inklings of fear prickling under my skin at the thought. That book… it was my soul laid bare in the darkest time of my life. Even if he liked it enough to call it his favorite book, there was still the chance that he did not understand it. Or was lying.

 _No._ I reminded myself. _Eren would not lie about that._ Even if I was only now learning that he liked rock music and apple pie, I knew his character. I knew who he was even if I did not know the things he preferred. _He would not lie to me._

I was so absorbed in drinking the brat in that I did not even register Hanji bellowing until after I saw Eren flinch and look away. Disappointment filled me. Call me a cheesy fucker, but I would rather spend all night staring into Eren’s eyes than dealing with all the shitheads here tonight, even if I did know nearly all of them and call most of them ‘friend.’

Why did I elect to come here tonight instead of spending it at home with Eren?

 _Because Hanji would drag me out of my house and Eren actually has a social life,_ I reminded myself.

I supposed it couldn’t hurt me to spend a little more time in each other’s circle of friends.

Speaking of friends, two of mine were approaching.

“Evening,” Erwin hailed us cheerily. He smiled at Eren, and satisfaction unfurled in my body. “Nice to see you again, Eren. I hope things are well?” I released a soft sigh. At least Erwin was more tactful than Hanji when it came to asking how we were doing.

“Things are great.” The little shit sounded so damn pleased with himself. Not that I could exactly blame him. Not when I was so intimately familiar with the feeling vibrating from his words. Erwin cocked one of his enormous eyebrows at me, catching the smugness in Eren’s voice. I tsked and turned my head away, too prideful to give in and let a warm smile break out over my face. Eren made me too soft. I was okay with showing him some of that side, but I had appearances to keep up in public. Erwin gave us a toothy smile and I knew he saw straight through me. He knew me too well.

“Is that so. I’m glad to hear it.” I ignored him.

“I’m surprised to see you here, Eren,” Petra commented. “How did you end up coming?” I stilled, wondering how Eren would answer.

“I’m… here with Levi.” That was… disappointing. Apparently there was no need to feel that way, though, because Petra had already figured it out. She looked about a second away from pouncing on me. I had no intention of letting that happen.

“We’re going out,” I informed her.

“Finally!” Petra cried to the ceiling like God had answered her prayers. The display was a little annoying, but I was too pleased to do anything about it. It really meant a lot to me that I had her support. I still loved her, even if we were not right for one another. Her fondness of Eren pleased me greatly, even if I would not show it.

Eren, on the other hand, looked completely startled by Petra’s outburst, and she quickly apologized. “I’ve just been hearing about this crush—” as soon as the word was out of her mouth, I was off my stool and covering Eren’s ears, letting every ounce of my betrayal appear on my face as I stared Petra down. Bitch actually laughed at me. _Fuck,_ I _knew_ this was going to be annoying. I did not particularly want Eren hearing those things, yet, and damage had already been done. I distantly noticed Eren  squirming and whining under my hands. I glance over at him to find his eyes large and pleading.

 _Fuck; I can’t say no to that._ I removed my hands and let him bitch to me about how icy my fingers were. It was not exactly news to me.

Petra apologized and expressed her pleasure on our behalf. I was kind of pissed at her, yeah, but I couldn’t stop the happy buzz in my veins. I listened as Erwin asked Eren about the book signing in a few days, and was honestly shocked that he had forgotten. Shitty Brat and Mushroom were practically inseparable, and I did not think Eren to be the kind of person who forgot about things that were important to his friends. Erwin and Petra were quick to defend him, however, knowing how hard I could be on others and probably trying to stop me from hurting Eren’s feelings unintentionally. I did not mind them doing that much, as I knew I could be unreasonably harsh sometimes. What I did mind was Erwin dredging up my greatest failure as a friend.

“I seem to remember a _very specific_ time when you didn’t show up for me when I was—” I was already in action by the time he got to the word ‘didn’t’. What Erwin was trying to bring up was not just a little mistake. It was a colossal grievance against a man I owed everything to. And I knew that Erwin did not see it that way, would never see it that way, but I just couldn’t forgive myself so easily. It was imperative I drag Eren away before he could further shame me, even though he just thought it was funny at this point. I would tell him one day, as it was now inevitable that he would grow curious, but I did not want to bring up that shit today. I had enough uncertainties about how he viewed me. I did not need him knowing my most humiliating moments. Though the way things were going, Eren would be headed out for drinks with them and chatting casually about my downfalls in no time. I wanted them to get along, but did they need to reach the stage where they were comfortably chatting about my deficiencies so instantly?

“You guys seemed to be hitting it off.” I hated how disgruntled I sounded. I did not want to be peeved by this, and I really did not want him to know that I was. Yet, even in a crowd of people, I could not contain all the emotion the brat evoked in me. It didn’t help that in response to my irritation, the shit _laughed._

“Is that the best you’ve got for trying to stop me from asking you what that was about? I would think you’d be happy I was getting along with your friends.”

 _Damn_. The brat was definitely getting too good at reading me. He was learning fast, too.

Well, there was no point hiding it from him. “You don’t have to get along with them too well.”

Eren smiled broadly. “Oh, come on. Erwin’s attractive, but not as sexy as my boyfriend.” Not a muscle on my face moved. This idiot was getting stupider by the second. That did not keep me from being the tiniest bit pleased that he thought I was still sexy in my 40’s. Not that many would disagree. Even I had to admit I did not look far out of my 20’s. Still, that was some of the dumbest shit that had come out of his mouth in a while. I especially did not appreciate him dragging another man into it.

“That was lame.”

“Yeah, it was. But did you like it?” he leaned his body closer to mine, making me hyper-aware of his too-bright eyes and pale lips.

“Also not funny,” I sidestepped his question.

“Noted. But you’re still hot.” The shit was definitely trying too hard. It was kind of cute, but not alluring. Apparently he had not yet learned of how appealing he was just by himself. All the shit had to do was smile, and I was his.

That didn’t mean he needed to know that, though.

“Well that’s not news to anyone.”

“I forgot what a confident asshole you are.” A smile tried to break out at those words, but years of training myself automatically pulled it back. A little escaped however, and I was okay with that, this time. I had an idea.

I moved myself closer to my partner, tantalizing myself with those plump lips of his. “Oh, Eren. You haven’t seen ‘confident asshole’ yet.”

I watched the brat freeze up, wide eyes turning glassy with want. I turned away to chuckle quietly to myself. Apparently I did not need to be good at dirty talk. I was about 96% sure that what I had said didn’t even really make sense, but apparently all I had to do was drop my voice and he turned to putty in my hands. That would definitely come in handy. I would have to play around with that more later. Right now Eren’s face had contorted from desire to deep thought, and it was not his best look. Kid looked like he needed a dump.

Unfortunately, I did not get to tease him long, seeing as my least favorite person at Survey had shown up. Nile Fucking Dok. He royally pissed me off. That imbecile was a lazy piece of trash who had his baby food fed to him on a platinum spoon and had no sense of decency when it came to the private lives of others.

In other words, I had absolutely no fucking respect for him.

“You’ve taken to cradle robbing?” Every muscle in my body locked up hearing those words. Eren was much younger than me, yes, but I did _not_ need a fucking reminder of that. I was already plenty insecure about the fact that I was mid-aged and boring while Eren was barely leaning toward thirty with a vibrant social life. If it were not for me, he would probably be with his shitty friends right now. Despite how nice the evening had been for me so far, I knew I was not the greatest of company. In fact, I had effectively sabotaged him even getting to know _my_ friends better. I suddenly felt very selfish. This whole time I had been thinking about what _I_ wanted, not what was best for Eren. He could be catering to me, and the thought of that made me sick.

_Shit, I need more alcohol._

Too bad Nile would not fuck off. With every word he spoke to Eren, he was digging himself deeper. He was not just the lowest of the low on my shit list anymore. He _was_ the fucking shit list. I was one more jibe from exploding when he finally took his leave. The fucker knew exactly when to get out of dodge when it came to me and I hated him for it. But he was a coworker, and had seniority over me, and a higher position, and I couldn’t lift a damn finger against him. Erwin understood my objections to the man, but also seemed to have a different opinion from the one I held. I just had to bite the bullet.

I vented to Eren in the aftermath of Nile’s departure, grateful he actually listened to me. I called him after me, but halted in surprise when I heard him speak.

“What, am I a dog?” I thought about it for a moment, looking him over.

“More like a puppy,” I finally decided. Eren looked surprised, and I immediately understood that this was one of those times where he had not intended to speak aloud.  The corner of my lips tugged up. This was an opportunity I could not possibly pass up, no matter how stupid it sounded in my head. I took a beat to commit myself to actually saying the words aloud. “But the good thing about puppies is…” Fuck, was I really going to go through with this? Yeah. I was. “…they can be trained easily.”

The reaction was definitely worth it.

I did not bother looking to see if the brat was following as I maneuvered my way back to the bar. Erwin and Petra were long gone, though I thought I could see Hanji’s flailing arms on the other side of the room. It was difficult to say. This was the only time my height actually irritated me. After inspecting the surface of the bar, I rested my elbow on the counter, waiting for Mike to finish serving another Survey employee on the other end. An ancient flash of memory had me recalling years past when I was standing behind that bar, serving booze and sweating my worth in piss out in a full black-tie bartender attire. It vaguely made me wonder why Rico wasn’t helping him tonight like she usually did. Maybe she had someplace else to be this year. It was hard to say, and I didn’t actually care that much.

“Shit, how did you get here so fast?” I recognized Eren’s voice before he plopped himself on the stool next to where I was standing.

“I am spatially convenient and can read people well,” I answered him.

Eren huffed to cover a laugh and crossed his arms on the polished top of the bar, just before Mike appeared. He looked to me and I ordered the same thing I had been drinking, only doubled. After that Nile shit I wanted to take the edge off of my thoughts. An empty sensation was slowly eating away my gut and I wanted to fill it with something. Alcohol was as good a something as anything else. I did not feel like food.

Mike nodded at me and then silently turned to Eren. His eyes darted to me briefly, as though looking for confirmation that he was supposed to order. I did not bother with so much as lifting an eyebrow. He would have to get used to Mike sometime. At least if he was going to stick around, and for right now it appeared he would.

“A Tokyo Iced Tea, please,” Eren ordered in what might have been the politest tone he had ever used in my presence. I frowned. What made Mike so special? Did he intimidate Eren?

“Hey,” Eren called to me, warm fingertips dancing over the exposed skin of my forearm. I looked up at him, wondering what the fuck the little furrow of his brows was about. “Are you okay?” he said in a hushed voice I could barely hear over the music, like I was sick or some shit. I scowled at him, feeling a little defensive.

“I am fine, brat. Why wouldn’t I be?” I said a bit more snappily than I intended.

The creases between his eyes deepened. “I don’t know…” he replied with a slight shake of his head. “You just…” he did not seem to have words to complete that sentence so he just shrugged his shoulders.

Since I really did not have an answer to that, I turned back to the shelves of alcohol behind the bar, waiting for Mike to slide our drinks over.

When we finally did have our drinks in hand, the strange atmosphere still lingered over us. I fidgeted with the sleeves of my sweater, pulling them down a little only to push them back up again a moment later, realizing how disgustingly humid it had become. This was why I hated parties. Specifically bar parties. I glanced to Eren and felt even more drained by the energy that seemed to be thrumming through him. What had I ever done to get this young piece of shit interested in me? Obviously there were my looks and my humor, but seeing how he fed off of this energy while I just felt uncomfortable made me feel old. Which did not even make fucking sense. Hanji was four years younger than me, and Erwin was nine years older, but they were here enjoying themselves like shitty college students. They knew how to have fun. My idea of fun was going to Bed, Bath, and Beyond, finding the latest cleaning supplies, and spending the weekend trying them out. Not fighting my way through a sea of sticky, sweaty, flesh and working on going deaf prematurely.

Still, I was here, wasn’t I? I was trying. That should fucking count for something. And Eren did not seem unhappy. Aside from the forced conversation with Nile, he appeared to be having a good time.

I was still minutely relieved when I recognized Armin, Marco, and a couple of other friends, whose names I had forgotten, making their way towards us. I nodded at Armin as he got close, and he smiled brightly back, nudging Eren gently when he got close enough. Eren rose up on his toes a little in surprise before recognizing his friend and settling.

“Hey!” he shouted, taking a couple of steps closer to the small group of people. I lingered behind, taking long sips of my drink. I felt conflicted. I was glad Eren had some friends here, but now I felt even more out of place. I wanted to be friendly, but I did not know how. I knew my previous interactions had not gone over well. Usually I did not care. I had not cared the last time I saw them. Before my actions had not impacted anyone but myself. Now Eren would be judged, too. I was not sure I was completely okay with Eren being judged because of me. Not because I thought Eren could not handle it. It just… didn’t sit well with me.

“Levi!” I lifted my eyes from where they had been unfocusedly staring at some distant table I could barely make out amidst the bodies to turquoise irises. He gripped my sleeve between his thumb and forefinger, pulling on it insistently to coax me forward into the small circle he had formed with his friends. I looked at all of their faces, watching us, and reluctantly allowed him to move me.

“You guys remember Levi?” he asked them, looking at the two whose names I could not remember.

“Hey,” the one with no hair said to me. Right. He was the one who wanted to shake my hand. Still could not remember a name though. Fuck.

“Nice to see you again,” said the other. I definitely remembered her from the disgusting way she shoved food down her throat.

 _Why doesn’t Eren ask me if_ I _remember_ them _?_

Without remembering their names, there was no way I could speak without looking foolish or rude. And I would likely still be the latter, even if I did know them. I was best off remaining quiet. It was no way for people to get to know me, but I knew from my time on the streets that you could learn plenty about others. I would just have to fucking remember what I learned this time. Food Girl glanced over at me and gave a very obvious suggestive eyebrow to Eren. A warm hand clapped on my shoulder and I shoved back the instinct to shake it off, recognizing quickly that it was just Eren. That did not stop me from glaring disapprovingly at him, though.

“We’ve been dating since just before Christmas,” Eren boldly announced, bringing only the shadow of a smile to my lips. His sure and pleased words warmed me in a pleasant way that had no real relationship to temperature.

Baldie and Food Girl cried out their surprise in tandem, almost like they had rehearsed it, but the words that spilled from their mouths in the aftermath were so disorganized that a message from either one of them was hardly discernible. A quick glance at Eren and Armin, however, yielded the educated guess that such outbursts were commonplace. Furthermore, he seemed to have the capability to translate that mess of English.

“I guess it just seemed like the kind of thing I should tell you guys in person?” He seemed to be asking himself just as much as answering them. The fingers on my shoulder tightened for a heartbeat and then released, somehow leaving my shoulder feeling cold in the hot room. Baldie and Food Girl complimented us, though neither one seemed completely genuine in their offerings. A sick sensation slowly began to pool in my stomach. I knew it wasn’t the alcohol.

“You two are really dating?” Marco suddenly asked, primarily looking to me for the answer. Since Marco was new and not under my management, I hardly knew the kid. We had seen each other around Survey a lot, however, and I supposed that between Eren and me, I was the more familiar face. He seemed nice, if not a little naive, but there really wasn’t anything wrong with that. Not for most people. And especially not in the literary world with Nanaba as his editor. She was fiercely protective of all her authors, and particularly the newer ones.

Marco continued to look at me, and it occurred to me that he was still waiting for an answer. Just as I was about to open my mouth, Armin spoke up.

“Eren?” his voice was tinged with worry, and it brought my attention to how uncharacteristically silent he was suddenly being. I locked onto the brat, my eyebrows drawing together as I watched him drain his glass and choke on the last of it.

“Sorry, Marco.” His voice was hoarse. Someone really needed to teach this kid how to drink without inhaling. He broke out in another fit of coughing. Clearly the task of answering him was still going to fall to me.

“The answer is yes,” I supplied. My confirmation of our relationship seemed to greatly surprise him. It pissed me off. “Don’t look like I just told you I have a self-lubricating asshole. I have dated before. Now I am dating this brat,” I gave a sharp nod of my head in the direction of said brat. “It’s not the eighth wonder of the world,” I spat. I gave a sharp breath out through my nose, realizing from the look on the kid’s face that I might have overdone it a bit.

“No, sorry!” he said in haste, waving his hands in the air as though he could ward off my gaze. He stumbled out a nervous apology, and my anger diffused. He was not the first, nor, I was sure, would he be the last person to think I was too ‘independent’ or some shit to desire a partner. Excuse me for craving affection just like every other fucking person on this forsaken planet. But I had gotten used to people thinking I liked to be alone. My personality never really suggested otherwise. For a long time it was the truth, but I had abandoned that way of living a long time ago. I had made peace with the longing for love and care in my life. It still was not always easy for me to accept it, when offered, but I was okay with the fact that I wanted it. It did not matter that some shit had trouble believing I had strong feelings toward someone. Eren knew. Well, he mostly knew. That was all I needed.

Or at least that was what I told myself.

Maybe this age gap really did matter. Or maybe it didn’t. Maybe it was just me.

The thoughts that had been drifting in and out of my head since we got here like specters now seemed lodged in the folds of my brain, unshakable. The nauseous feeling in my stomach intensified.

“Don’t shit yourself over it, Bodt,” I said flatly, pushing down bile with a swallow. “You’re hardly the first person to think that.” I felt Eren’s stare acutely, examining me with a closeness I did not currently desire.

I suddenly had the wish that Isabelle or Farlan were here. Both were like siblings to me, even if I never acknowledged Isabelle when she called me ‘Big Bro.’ They were the closest things I had ever had to family growing up. The only constants before Erwin. I hardly saw them anymore, though. Both of them had grown up. They were busy.

But most importantly, they had each other.

They still loved me, I knew that, but the moment they had started dating, the room they had in their lives for me shrunk, eclipsed by each other. It was normal, but that did not make it hurt any less. I had never been important to anyone, and then the only people who gave a shit started being ‘too busy’ for me. It had devastated me then; it was okay now. I had more than just them to fall back on. Still, from time to time I missed having them around. Wishing they would come to more of Hanji’s parties and that I could hear them coo over my bright-eyed brat with everyone else. Not that I liked the attention. I didn’t. I just wanted them to be a part of things. Isabelle especially had a way of connecting others. If anyone would be able to endear me to Eren’s shitty friends, it would be her. Clearly all I could do was fuck up on my own.

“How about a round of shots?” Armin’s voice broke through my pitiful degrading thoughts. _Shit. I have not felt this shitty since fucking high school. I am a grown-ass man. Get it together._

“Make mine a double.” _I’m not getting it together._

The instant Mike had my shot on the bar, I was tossing it back, not even tasting it. It burned in just the way I needed it to. I needed a break.

“I need to piss,” I spoke the words under my breath at Eren’s shoulder, only caring that he heard me before slinking in between the cracks of the crowd, working my way to the back corner and what I hoped would be the privacy of the bathrooms.

I did my best to stay out of the way of people, but inevitably had to shoulder through a couple blockades when people were too damn absorbed to hear my call of ‘move your ass’. Fuckers were probably ignoring me on purpose.

When I finally reached my destination, I ignored the two binary doors and jerked on the handle of the family restroom. Fortunately it was open. I shoved the door closed and pressed the button under my thumb until I heard the click locking me in. I heaved a sigh and started going through the automatic motions of taking a piss, because I actually had not been lying about that need. I relieved myself and went to wash my hands, keeping my eyes and head down, focusing on the foamy lather, making sure I worked it thoroughly into every crevasse of my hand.

It was a soothing activity for me. Something that always served to calm and refresh. I was so absorbed in the task, itself, that I did not even see my skin turning pink under my gaze from too much scrubbing. It was only when the fucking water went cold from someone else flushing a damn toilet in the next-door men’s stalls that I realized I had zoned out. I aggressively pushed the faucet off with my elbow and grabbed a couple paper towels to dry my hands with.

Now that I was looking at it, this bathroom could really use a cleaning. That would definitely help lift my mood. I went to the cabinet underneath the baby-changing station and retrieved the key from the back underneath the spare paper towels in order to unlock the drawer that the cleaning supplies were kept in, just like when I had worked here. I set to work cleaning the whole room vigorously. My vision kept blurring as I tried to scrub the counter, and my sluggish mind churned to come to the conclusion that the two shots I had thrown back were finally hitting me, hard. I had not even felt anything up to this point, but the equivalent of five shots on an empty stomach was coming to bite me in the ass. It would be annoying to keep up the appearance of being sober, and I could certainly forget about having a hope of doing so in front of Eren.

 _Fuck._ It was disappointing when I realized I had sanitized every inch of the bathroom in record time. Maybe I needed to clean while tipsy more often. I chuckled to myself, stripping my hands of the rubber gloves I had been wearing and disposing of them. _I have not been this bad in a long time. What am I doing?_ I silently asked myself, gripping the edge of the counter with my hands and leaning my weight over them, finally raising my eyes to my reflection.

Looking at the emotionless façade that was my face only drove home the feeling that I was very out of my element in a place that was like my second home. Or, more accurately, my first home. Why was Eren—young, vibrant, Eren—with me when he could be with those shitty friends of his that were just as lively as he was? I felt like I was robbing him of something by hoarding him here by myself. I had pined after that fucking little shit forever, but… _is this alright?_ My whole life I had lived as one big ‘fuck you’ to the world. I always did as I pleased and only humored people enough to get by. I was a selfish bastard who barely went out of the way for people I called friends.

And yet here I was agonizing over if this was the right thing for _Eren_. I was thinking of someone else.

_Fuck this!_

I snatched a towel to open the door with and violently threw it in the trash before storming out of the shitroom. The outburst of energy faded quickly, however. Before I even made it past the archway, my fingers caught on the doorframe as I went to turn down the hall, and for a moment I let myself falter, leaning my head to my forearm and collecting myself for an elongated moment before continuing down the hallway calmly.

I was seriously getting tired of feeling like I didn’t belong with my own damn boyfriend. I had chosen this, and Eren wanted it. Why couldn’t those facts keep my fucking mind at peace? I knew who I was. I knew what I wanted. Feeling so damn insecure all the time was fucking pissing me off. I was better than this. I had left these kinds of feelings behind me years ago. I was done having a fucking pity party for myself. Eren was _my_ damn little shit and the rest of the world could suck it if they did not like it. I liked it. He liked it. Fuck the rest.

I charged across the floor, managing to only wobble a little, looking for that brown head of hair that would lead me back to where I wanted to be. I ended up noticing Armin before I found what I sought, and I made a beeline for him with minimal curving. I planted myself next to Eren, and then watched as he twirled and almost ran into me.

“Levi!” he yelled, far too loudly for me being right next to him, even with the music. He looked thoroughly bewildered, but all I could focus on were his eyes glimmering in the low light.

_Fuck, his eyes are gorgeous._

“Fuck, what time is it?” he asked to no one in particular. I took a peek at my watch.

“11:36.”

“What?” What an idiot. Did he already forget his question?

“It’s 11:3—” I was compelled to check again to make sure I was giving him the accurate time, so I did. “6. Still 6.” I looked again, squinting as the number hazed, “Almost 7.” I raise my head and movement caught my eye. There were a large number of bodies amassed on the dance floor, undulating their sweaty bodies together. My nose flared in repulsion. How the fuck anyone could stand such a thing was beyond me. “Fuck, people are disgusting,” I sneered.

Eren did not say anything in response, so I decided to take my sweet time looking him over. Really, I spent so little time appreciating the shit’s body now that I could touch it. The brat had a really fucking nice body. Beautiful eyes. Full lips. Tight ass. Thick cock. Large hands. _Fuck_ , those hands… I almost groaned remembering the way he wrapped around me, adding just the right amount of pressure under the head, his movements smooth and experienced. A tendril of jealousy made its home in my stomach. It made me want to make Eren only look at me. I wanted him to know what he did to me. Know I was his. Know he was good.

“Eren.” The liquid teal of his irises moved to my face and I drew closer to him, moving onto my toes and pushing my face into the crook of his neck so my nose could trace along his ear. People usually thought this shit was sexy, right? I had to admit, I didn’t really care that much. This distance was very practical for delivering a private message in the presence of others. I wrapped my fingers in the curve of his sweater and yanked him down to a height I didn’t have to stretch to reach. “I really enjoyed what we did earlier. It was fucking _good,_ ” I made sure the last word was properly stressed, enjoying the little gasp it got me. I let go of his collar and he stumbled back. His face was so red.

And just like that, it was there again. That feeling.

“Levi,” his voice was meant to chastise, but I couldn’t possibly take him seriously when he was looking at me like _that._ I knew what the dirty little fuck was capable of being, which just made this innocent fluster of his all the more amusing. He wouldn’t get away that easily.

I wanted him.

But he wasn’t even looking at me.

“Hey,” I called, putting myself back into his personal space, and pulling him down once more. Eren faltered, but caught onto my shoulders. I was centered enough to keep us both steady. “Eyes on me, brat,” I commanded, before dragging him down into a kiss that contained every ounce of my passion and frustration. Eren’s mouth opened easily for me, and I bit lightly at his lips before pressing firm, open mouthed kisses to them. I traced his lips with my tongue, hedging on taking it further, but before I could decide, those warm, wonderful hands were pushing me away. The action brought a little sobriety to me. At least enough to be disgusted with myself for almost tonguing the brat again. I could feel saliva drying on my lips.

“Gross.”

“YEAGER you bastard, I knew you were fucking lying to me!”

My insides froze. I knew that voice. That voice pissed me off more that any other voice on the planet. Even Nile’s. The beginnings of my own anger were now licking up my body. Eren whirled.

“What did I _fucking_ lie about _Jean_?” he seethed. His lips were pulled back from his teeth in the most feral expression I’d ever seen him wear. Even I wasn’t impervious to a hint of trepidation looking at him, but it did nothing to stave my anger. Nor Jean’s, for that matter.

“Levi!” he yelled, pointing an accusing finger at me. I leveled a cold glare at him. “I fucking _knew_ you were with him!” His face was so taut he looked ready to pop. Eren did not look much better.

“Jean, this literally _just_ happened before Christmas.” As angry as I could tell Eren was, there was a pleading note in his voice. “I haven’t lied about anything! We _were_ just friends the last time I saw you. If you want to call someone a lying bastard, just go look in a mirror.”

Jean moved forward, shoving his face centimeters away from Eren’s.

“Fuck you, Eren.” His voice was ragged and vulnerable. His eyes were on Eren’s mouth like he was seconds away from snapping and smashing his lips to Eren’s. Fury blossomed in me. It was like I wasn’t even fucking there anymore.

I saw red.

I let out an angry hiss through my teeth. How dare that brat give his attention to that ass over there. I told him eyes on _me_. It was like my worst nightmare coming true. Eren discarding me for someone his own shitty age. What was more, his _ex_. He was supposed to be giving _me_ attention, not cuddling that idiot over there. Or screaming in his face. Whatever. Cuddling sometimes comes after angry yelling. After the sex of course.

 _Fuck_.

I wasn’t even conscious of my feet carrying me to them, but I was _very_ aware of latching onto Eren’s arm and yanking him out of kissing distance of that bastard, claiming his lips for my own instead. Doing what I never could in the past because the tables were turned now, and Eren was mine to kiss and flaunt or hide. Eren resisted, obviously not understanding what was going on, but as soon as I pulled him back and he was looking into my eyes, he stilled, mouth ajar in utter amazement.

Maybe I had gone a little overboard.

Eren slowly turned to face Jean again, who I noticed had been just as shocked by my display. That was quickly wearing off and turning his face into something much more sinister, however. I felt a little ball of satisfaction light up my chest at that. _Joke’s on you now, fucker._

“Levi.” Eren’s voice was unnaturally tempered as he spoke to me, and my heart sank.

_Shit. I fucked up. Shit._

“I need to talk to Jean for a minute. Outside,” he quickly clarified. My heart sank a little more. “Will you wait here for me for a few?” I swallowed. Nodded my head numbly. Tried to work some words up my throat.

“Don’t be long, Eren.” _Please. Don’t fucking leave me here._ My head wasn’t even clear enough to think to hide the emotion in my eyes. It leaked out, for better or for worse.

“I’ll be right back.” His words were meant as an assurance, and he was waiting for a response. I focused all of my energy on him. His face. His eyes.

 _Trust_.

He wanted me to trust him. I didn’t want to. Everything within me screamed to stay wary. Stay away.

I trusted him anyway.

I nodded.

Relief washed over his features, and he compulsively leaned down to capture my lips for moment that was far too short, then swept around to drag the horse-faced bastard out of the bar.

I stood there, in the crowd, in a place I knew as well as my own house, and felt lost.

A hand came down on my shoulder. I stiffened, ready to grip the throat of whoever…

“Levi.”

One word was all I needed to know that voice. I went so limp, I might have fallen over if not for that steadying hand.

“Erwin,” I sighed. It came out so softly, I wasn’t sure he even heard me. Erwin squeezed his hand and moved it to between my shoulder blades.

“Why don’t we step into the back?” he suggested. I gave a subtle nod and let him guide us through the sea of constantly moving bodies, back through the kitchen, down a familiar hallway, and into Hanji’s office with, surprisingly, no Hanji.

“Where’s Four-Eyes?” I could tell I was slurring my s’s and moved to settle myself heavily in one of the chairs across from Hanji’s desk.

“I told her to let me handle this one.”

Honest. If there was one word in the English language to describe Erwin Smith, it would not be that word. Erwin was a fucking manipulative bastard when he wanted to be. But with me, he was always honest.

I rested an elbow on my knee and leaned forward to shove my fingers through my hair.

“What am I doing, Erwin?” I groaned. I was not really asking him, and he knew it.

“I don’t know, Levi. What are you doing?” His voice was believable innocent curiosity, but I knew better. He did, too.

I snapped my back straight and glared at my friend, not caring for the moment that my bangs were in disarray. My head swam and it took me longer than I liked to focus on the large form in from of me. “Do not give me that fucking shit, Erwin. _Fuck!_ ” I swore emphatically. “I know you saw what I fucking did. I’m never like this. _That fucking shit!_ ” I yelled. I did not know if I was talking about Eren or Jean.

I huffed as Erwin settled in the chair next to mine. The chairs we always took in this office. I let out a dry, dark, chuckle.

“This is why I don’t drink with you, you know,” I told him.

“I know,” he said, bright blue eyes focused on the hideous puke green wall in front of him. Silence stretched between us, Hanji’s loud as fuck clock noisily ticking off the seconds.

“I’ve never seen you like this before, Levi.” His voice was soft and full of the knowledge of all the years we had spent together.

This conversation was sounding very reminiscent of one I’d had with Hanji months ago, only now the seriousness of the topic had escalated. Something hard lodged itself in my throat, making it difficult to respond. “I know,” I said, when I finally did. It was still strangled.

The silence resumed. It was hard for me to latch onto my thoughts. To process. They just kept slipping through my fingers like water.

“He cares for you,” Erwin said after a while. “It’s so painfully obvious how he feels.”

I sighed. “I agree.” I paused, trying to organize my brain enough to convey what I felt. “It’s just… all these little, fucked up… things. I haven’t felt so insecure since before I met you. I don’t… get… Why now? Why him? I’ve had other partners. Not as young as him, but a couple were close. I don’t get why I care so much that his shitty friends like me and others accept us than I ever have before. Why don’t I just not give a fuck like usual?”

Erwin twisted in his chair and stared at me for a long minute.

“Do you really not know?” he asked, not without a little hesitance.

I stilled in my chair. Even the obnoxious tick of the clock was not enough to break the silence that was in my head after being asked _that_ question.

I knew how I felt. I did. I just hadn’t admitted it to anyone. Saying I liked him was hard enough. This made me feel two times as constipated. I had known him for one shitty year. Just one. But Erwin was asking me, and I was unguarded enough that I answered him without thinking, my voice nothing more than a robotic whisper.

“No.”

Erwin continued to watch me, thinking or some shit. “I thought so,” he finally said.

“Of course you fucking know,” I muttered. It was more to myself than him. “But he’s not the first, Erwin,” I continued to dance around saying it out loud. Even massively uninhibited and with Erwin, I was still hedging to say those words.

Make it real.

“Why does this _brat_ have to make me question everything? I am fucking 46 and hardly behaving better than I did as a teenager. One second I’m taunting him like I always have, and the next I worrying myself sick over some stupid unimportant emotional shit.” My tone was fringed with frustration and defeat.

“It’s okay to question yourself, Levi.” Erwin’s timbre was calming. “We all feel younger than we are sometimes. It’s normal. Just don’t let those times hold you hostage.” He let a beat pass. “You know why he’s different.” He wasn’t asking.

I sighed. I closed my eyes wearily.

“I do. I…” couldn’t say it.

“It’s okay, Levi. I know.” Erwin’s voice carried the weight the topic was worthy of, and I felt the unspoken words sitting heavily on my tongue. An urge was building in me, one that when it crested would yield me finally admitting the extent of my feelings to him before I had fully acknowledged them to myself.

I sunk down into my chair a few inches. The feeling I had refused to name for so long burning my chest and eyes. The image of teal irises boring into me before dragging Jean outside on repeat in my head.

“No,” my voice was firm.

The urge was growing stronger, pushing my hesitancy down with the need to verbalize and verify its existence.

_Shit. Damn it. Fuck it all!_

I gave in.

“I love him.”

The words fell from my lips like they had already passed them countless times. Natural. True. They hung in the quiet of the air like smoke, and I felt all at once relieved and twice as burdened.

“I… love him.” I repeated it slowly to myself, as though I needed to hear it again before I would believe I said it the first time.

Finally, I turned to Erwin, feeling more adrift than ever. I had fought this admission for so long, and now I had finally spoken the truth of the feeling inside me, not just to myself, but another person, like it was nothing. Effortless. I desperately sought the comfort of familiarity in warm blue eyes as everything inside of me unraveled.

It was fucking ridiculous, but I had begun the descent into this shitfest of emotions the first time I saw the raw passion in his eyes. Eren Yeager had hit me harder and dragged me deeper than anyone ever had before, and I _didn’t fucking know what to do._

Erwin’s lips slowly curled upwards.

I was going to drink until I forgot this conversation happened.

I stood up quickly, instantly regretting it as the world tilted. Erwin was up in a flash, obviously less intoxicated, steadying me with a hand to the arm. My world righted itself quick enough and as soon as it did I made to rush for the door. Erwin, however, was not letting me go. I turned one of my piercing glares on him.

“Don’t run away from this, Levi.” Erwin’s tone was one of caution.

I jerked my arm from his grasp. “I’ll do whatever I damn well please.” It came out more harshly than I meant it to.

“I am aware,” Erwin exhaled. “But I _know_ you, Levi. I know your past, and I know that however you try, and succeed, I might add, at hiding it, this scares you.” I scoffed and turned my head from him as the words hit home. “I told you, I’ve never seen you like this before, but I don’t think it’s a bad change,” he reached forward with only his fingertips to touch the top of my shoulder and draw my eyes back to him. “Love looks good on you, Levi,” he said softly.

For a moment I was motionless, my lungs not even moving as those words settled over me and sank in.

I could not do this anymore.

“You were an ass for almost telling that story to him,” I abruptly changed the subject.

Erwin seemed taken aback for a moment. “What story?” Relief that he was going along with the shift washed through me. I was actually going to respond to the fucker before he went on, the corners of his eyes crinkling as he smiled. “You mean the story about how my best man forgot to show up the day of my wedding?”

Those words were still like an arrow to the chest. Erwin instantly looked remorseful. “Levi, you know that I don’t—”

“I’m aware,” I cut him off. “I just still feel like shit for it.”

Erwin’s face turned grave. “Don’t.”

I nodded, not meeting Erwin’s eyes.

“Levi…” he sighed heavily. “Honestly, that’s the best memory I have of that day. I wish you wouldn’t have shown up at all.”

They were all words I had heard before, but they served to lighten my mood a little anyway.

“If I had known, I wouldn’t have,” I said softly.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Erwin’s face soften. He took the last few steps from the door for me and opened it like a gentleman. I nodded my appreciation and walked out.

I took a deep breath and let it go, shaking off the atmosphere of the room. Walking out of a heavy situation with no regrets had been second nature to me on the streets. It did not come as easily now. It had been a long time since I had used the skill, but I did not stop to collect myself like I did earlier. I had wandered far from where my brat had asked me to stay, and for all I knew he was trying to find me. I was here to have something that resembled a good time with him, and admitting that I loved him should be one of the last things to ruin that. It wasn’t like I told _him._ There was no way I could tell him the way things were right now. But it didn’t need to be the fucking end of the world.

 _Shit, I hate drinking with Erwin._ That was a fucking terrible idea.

Impaired judgment was no joke.

I made my way back out into the bar, a little steadier now, and ignored the sounds of Erwin following behind me. I had a brat to locate.

I slowly worked my way through the crowd, trying to get back to the place Jean had interrupted us, but I was having trouble remembering exactly where that was. I found myself searching around the area close to the bar, which I was sure wasn’t right, but seemed just as good as any other place to look, maybe even a little better.

“Levi!” I only faintly heard my name, but it was enough for me to place who the voice belonged to, and my heart leapt into double time. I turned, searching for those eyes that never failed to light something in me, and the moment I found them I discovered it was impossible for me to disengage from them or hold back my feelings. Sheer relief that he was still here poured through my veins, quickly chased by fervent desire.

By love.

The moment he was within the reach of my arms, I had to touch him. His eyes were closed before my fingertips even brushed his skin.

_What the fuck happened?_

“You okay, brat?” I needed to know that before anything else. He didn’t say anything, just let his eyes flutter open to look softly into mine. Without an answer, words continued to slip from my mouth. “It’s almost midnight, you shit.” It was like I was making some sort of concerned accusation, which, I guess, I was. It just wasn’t like me. Then again, nothing about this night had been ‘like me.’ Maybe I would just have to redefine myself.

Eren’s voice was hushed when he finally spoke. “I’m sorry.” Suddenly I was being enveloped by arms. Fighting them was the last thing on my mind. “How much time left?”

I tried to look at my watch, but Eren wasn’t loosening his hold, so I squirmed just enough to sneak a glance at it.

“Three minutes.”

Eren gave a contented hum and pressed his face into my hair. My heart was thrumming so hard I was sure it was impossible for Eren not to feel it when we were wrapped around each other like this. My chest was so tight with emotion it hurt.

An obnoxious cry that could only belong to one person split the air and abruptly shattered our moment.

 _Fuck, I do not want to deal with her right now_. I swiveled my face just enough to get one eye on her, and promptly gave her the finger as she gushed. A flash went off. _Shit._

“Got it.” _That fucker…_

“Traitor,” I instantly accused Erwin, pushing away from Eren in a sudden panic that was chased by embarrassment. It was not like Eren would glean the information I had just given Erwin off of him through the air. I gave Erwin the dirtiest look I could manage, silently communicating how not okay that was.

“My apologies, Levi. But I’m with her on this one,” he placed a hand on Hanji’s back, “it was too cute to pass up.” Dread filled me. Erwin was not going to let me forget what I had told him. _Fucking hell._

“Don’t make me start out the New Year with murder, you ass.” Erwin usually had more tact than this. Maybe he was drunk after all.

“I won’t make you do anything, Levi. You make your own choices,” his words were an echo of earlier. Erwin was such a smartass sometimes.

“Fuck off, Commander. I don’t need a damn life lesson from you.” I was genuinely getting angry at how closely he was alluding to our conversation. Erwin had the audacity to _laugh_.

 _Bastard is definitely drunk_.

“Boys!” Hanji yelled at us, and for once I was thankful for her interruption. “Stop arguing! It’s almost time!” She flitted around to all of us, shoving shit over our head before checking her phone and screaming for people to prepare themselves.

I watched Eren, now sporting a stupid ‘Happy New Year’ headband that suited the little shit perfectly. His cheeks were flushed, but whether it was from the heat of the bar or the cold of outside, or something else entirely was hard to say. His eyes were dancing with life.

And right there, in that moment, the feeling was so acute.

_I love you._

I did not want to tell him that yet, but I wanted to say _something_. I needed him to know he was special. I wanted him to know how he made me do things I never did before.

I pulled him down so I could whisper in his ear for the second time that night. “Listen up, brat. Normally I don’t say shit like this, but I’m feeling generous tonight.” I breathed deep, and savored his name on my tongue, “Eren. Celebrating the New Year is usually really shitty. But it is considerably less shitty when I have a brat like you to share it with.” I pulled back to look into his eyes, unveiling everything for him to see, just for this moment. “I mean it.” And I did. It might not have been eloquent, but it was fucking true.

“TEN!” The countdown began, but I heard nothing that followed. Eren was looking at me with reverence and happiness. I pressed a tender kiss to his cheek, pouring my silent love for him into that one action. Our eyes met again, and slowly my heartbeat relaxed. Eren had me in his arms again, and it felt _safe_. A word that had been so foreign to me once. But here, with Eren, one look had me forgetting all the insecurities I’d had this evening. I felt safe and was overwhelmed by the desire to give everything to him.

I did not care what the fucking time was. I wanted to kiss him.

So I did.

**Author's Note:**

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> Thanks for reading. <3


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